All About Grief and Loss: Acceptance

Our ability, or inability, to accept the loss of what we had, and the loss of what will never be, is at the heart of much of the suffering in our world. Certainly, loss and grief in one form or another is the primary issue that brings people to the psychotherapist's office.

The Buddha said it well, "There is suffering." He named this fact as the first of the Four Noble Truths. He also said it was possible to relieve ourselves from suffering by accepting things just the way they are.

This can be a little tricky to do, because many of us hold a "story" in our minds that limit out ability to accept. The story usually goes something like this: "If I accept this, I will give it power, or I will make it more real. The story continues by convincing us that if we were to "act as though it isn't true," eventually the suffering would go away. Ahhh, wish that it were so simple.

The mind can be tricky indeed. Calming these stories and returning our attention to the present moment is what mindfulness meditation practice is all about. We do this because the stories are not true. We do this because to pretend our reality into existence does not work. That's the thing about denial. It may seem to work, at least for awhile. But eventually, what is real and true catches up with us.

Eventually, we come to know that when we accept things exactly the way they are, they change. When we meet the circumstances of our lives, just exactly "as is", without judgement, we release the story line and our grasp to the past. We become "unstuck," allowing ourselves to be present to the unfolding of our lives.

It is natural for some amount of discomfort to float through from time to time. That is part of being alive. The story line would suggest that if we were to deny these uncomfortable feelings, we would prevent them from growing and taking over. Not so. The effort we expand to "push away the feelings" often encourages the feelings to become louder. The helpful choice would be to meet the discomfort when it arises, then in the next moment to focus our attention on what happens there. Likely, the next moment will bring something new entirely.

This is the practice of meditation. This is the journey of being alive. This is the path of relief from the suffering of loss and grief.

Comments

[Jane Deer]

I'm sitting here trying to be accepting. It's not easy to allow pneumonia to be my present condition and more generally to accept that I'm dealing with any illness that's out of my control. I've been upsetting myself thinking that if I had done something different at some point, I'd be on my vacation now, enjoying sunny weather instead of home sick in bed. Feeling bad about that just adds to the illness, so I'm trying to be in another place about this .. Not sure how to do that, but reading your entries brings me to a more calm and relaxed place.